I don't know who the heck I am!

So.....

I really want this. I don't know why. I find it awesomely COOL! He's huge!!!!!! I remember standing in line for star wars as a kid. And I remember seeing him in real life. True story.

So, the other day I had to give my drivers license picture to someone. It is a picture of me at my heaviest. The lady told me she couldn't even tell it was me. She was so sweet to keep on congratulating me for my healthy change. 

Everyone ALWAYS wants to know what I have done. When I say therapy the reaction always amuses me. Now that I am where I am at it is so simple for me to see that my weight was not really about food and it is NOT a shock that therapy was the first step in losing weight. Oprah always said you have to figure out "why" you were eating. I never believed her. I thought it was just because food was good.

"Group" wanted to see the picture. Reluctantly I let them. Kristopher looked at it for a long time. He said it was a "before" picture. Here...I'll show you. I wasn't going to but I will.

I told group I keep the picture face down in my wallet because I don't want to look at it. They felt like I should be proud and happy that I am not that person anymore and that it is okay to look at it.

But I don't want to. I still feel sad for that girl. Sad that she lived like that for so very long. Sad that she was so extremely trapped. Sad that she had no way out. Sad that she was uncomfortable in her own skin for so terrible long.

Corey was going through some old videos and found one of me extremely heavy. I literally looked like I was buried in my body of fat. Like just a tiny glimmer of me was there and the rest was fat. Hurts.

I am happy that I am changing. But I am hurt for who I was. I feel sad for her. But the weird thing was, at the time I was still happy. I still liked myself. I still tried to do everything with my kids. I just have a better understanding of myself now. And I am freer. And I feel like I have a lot of life to live now. I don't feel trapped. I feel like I have a future and don't have to worry about getting diabetes. I still have 30 plus to lose. But from where I came I am thrilled.

One strange thing about losing weight, now I can wear different things. When you are heavy you are SO limited as to what you can wear. There just isn't a lot of choices. It is REALLY yucky. Really really. It's boring and I NEVER felt like me.

SO one thing I am going through with clothing is...Who am I? What do I like?

I don't know! I still think I am a bit Punky Brewsterish. I always loved her! I am ALWAYS waiting for Kristopher to call me out and say I dress like a kid. Recently he called me 16 so I am just waiting for him to say psychobabble about me wanting to dress like a kid. You know therapist. Lol. j/k. I love my therapist.

I bought this sweater from Target (in the youth section). I loved it! I like things that are a touch quirky.

And....I posted about this a LONG time ago....But I have always loved when I see girls in hats! I always want to wear one. It would be so out of my character that I don't know. But my character was trapped in obesity and I have no idea now what I might like.  What do you think? Can I pull it off?

Also one completely bizarre things for me is to see me have a skinny wrist and much thinner hands. I really love that part.

So I found this old post I had written about Kassidy. I decided "what the heck". I need to post it for my journal.

Funny new realization about Kassidy

Turns out she is perfectly capable of making the "right" choice without my help. Lol.

So Kassidy keeps asking me things like...."Can I sleep over at Beccas?" On a school night. Ummmm no. But lately I am just like whatever. Your 18. Your in charge of your own life. You basically manage it very well. So you can choose whatever choice you want to deal with. Like being exhausted for school.

And whenever I do that.....she makes the best choice! It has amused me.

So the other night she wanted to sleep over at Beccas (which has yet to even happen once, ha ha) and miss Seminary. You know, since she graduated already and all. (They still have a week left).

I told her I didn't think that she should miss seminary. She tried to finagle with me a bit over it. I finally just said "It's up to you. If you think it is the right choice than whatever. I don't care. Its your life." Do you want to know the miraculousness of being able to let it go? To not feel the burden of all their decisions? To know that it is okay for them to make some choices that may even be not the best? It's okay! That is them learning! I don't have to force them. It's a great relief.

So then she gets slightly frustrated that I won't just tell her what to do. "How am I going to go off on my own if I can't ask you what to do all the time!" (Slight concern that I should have been letting her make her own choices WAY sooner)

I tell her that I have taught her how to make the correct choices and so she knows how to do it just fine.

I really think the point is she wanted to argue her point about why she should get to spend the night and miss seminary.

And when I left it up to her she has no one to argue with and she already knows what she should do so the discussion was over.

It cracked me up! Had I known it was only so simple years ago.

A few hours later, before even 10pm, her friend had left and she was in her pajamas eating the new "Apprentice" ice cream with us.

I love these kids!