Can I just be real here?

I still didn't love school today. (The one class I take up at the college)

I still like my online class. Where I am all cozy at home in my "nest". Kristopher and I had a session today. He said I like it there because it is "safe".

It is. I have been home a very long time now. It has been a joy. I have loved homemaking. I know it. I think I do well at it. It is a very safe spot for me.

But he doesn't want me to always feel so safe. He wants me to go back and back to class where I don't feel safe until I do feel safe.

I have this huge issue. I don't want to be called on in class. Everyone will take a turn to pray, participate in discussion etc, and I DON'T want to talk out loud.

We already had to. We had to introduce each other. I do not want to talk in front of everyone. I do not want to look stupid or feel stupid or have everyone look at me. I just have anxiety over it. Maybe it makes no sense. It probably doesn't. But we all have things we struggle with and this is one of mine. I don't want to talk in class.

I told Kristopher I wasn't going to do it even if I got an F. I wasn't going to talk out loud one single time.

He said that maybe I should be an accountant. And that not talking out loud wasn't going to work very well in a "social" work class.

I didn't know I had to have a parking pass, I didn't have the proper paper work to get my pass, I couldn't turn on the dumb computer to find my proper information, and the store to get fudge is just too darn far away. I didn't like school. I thought I was going to adore it like one of my BFFs did.

I cried and cried in front of Kristopher. I told him I hated myself. That I was fat and ugly and stupid and I didn't want to go up to college anymore. That I didn't know how to work the computer and I don't fit in there.

Him..."Wow.... That's a lot of negative chatterbox going off." And he was truly surprised. He said I was doing so well at my "positive proclamations". What happened?

I had to tell him I had been "off the wagon" for five day also.

He told me to quit the alcohol (food) today!

He told me he knew this change was going to be hard for me.

I have wanted nothing more than to just stay home and mother. But for lots of private reasons I need to take this college step.

And Kate was upset today that I was leaving. It wouldn't be a big deal if it was just this one class. Big sis is home for her. But almost every day after school I am driving kids to therapy or work or activities or work again and my work and also my other stuff. She is without me more than I want to admit. And I do hurt for her. It breaks my heart. I think it might be the lot of the youngest child in a large family. She is home with siblings and dad while I take care of all the business. I laid (layed, lied, lew, whatever) with her in bed for an hour last night and read to her and held her till she fell asleep. I spend time with her.

But I feel like by going to school I have abandoned my post. And I cried and cried in my session today.

He told me he could tell I was really stressed. Cause guess what!!!???? I also have hours of homework! And it is not fun!

He asked how long long I had been in class for....

Me..."Ummm.....today was my second day."

He laughed. I laughed.

He did his little crazy psychology trickery on me and said he guessed I could quit.

I just stared at him ...."I can't do that! That wouldn't be teaching my kids good things! Plus like 100 people already "liked" my going back to school facebook photo. That would be too embarrassing to quit. I have too much pride for that!"

I am not going to quit. I am sure this will all pass and get better. In the mean time Kristopher told me to "Stand it".

Because that is how hard things and scary things lose their power. By STANDING IT.

I don't know why I share all this. I don't want my young friends to be discouraged if they are headed up for college. I probably don't want all of you to see where my brain goes when I feel like I am failing. It goes straight to how worthless I am. Do you all talk to yourself like I do sometimes when your sad?

I am just trying to share that yes, life gets hard and scary for all of us. Even when you are in 15th grade. And the only true answer is to get yourself a Kristopher.... oh wait, just kidding, the only answer is to FACE it and do it and learn and grow from it. But you just have to do it anyway. Or you are being held hostage by it....by your own self.

My sister in law, Wendy, taught me something in California that I loved. It is something that she teaches her children. She and my brother just exude a lot of confidence. She really does. She is just strong and beautiful and knowledgeable and great.

She told me that she tells her kids that "nobody knows how to do it!" (Meaning things in life that are new or hard or uncertain or....just life things) That everybody is faking it to an extent. And that is just what you do. You move forward with faith in yourself and "be" what you want to be. And you fake it along the way or figure it out along the way. And you just do it. And then you are it. Does that make sense...? I thought it was pretty great when she explained it. I hope I did it justice.

Thanks, friends. I have home work now. Bye.

Tomorrow Corey and I have been married 21 years! Holy cow! We are squeezing in dinner and a movie in between raising 6 children!