Okay... about the puppy. Uh....he is a stinkin' genius!!!!!!! He knows how to go the bathroom OUTSIDE!!!! It almost freaks me out a little. It's like...are you really a dog? Cause how do you know this already? Needless to stay, he isn't perfect though. And the kids are quickly learning that a puppy is a pain.
Corey didn't really expect this but we want the dog inside WITH US! He has been spending every second with us. The other day though, we had to put him outside while we went to church. We live close to the church but we could HEAR him whining from all the way at the church. It broke our hearts. Justine had to leave church early to check on him.
He is still nameless. We all can't agree. It is impossible. I feel like my opinion should have more weight because half the kids will be gone before the dog is dead and I don't want to be stuck with a dog named Sparky. Here are some darling picture of him. I think his name will likely be Brody. It seems to be the one that is sticking.
We have exhausted the poor thing!
And here is one of him with our "new to us" truck. All of our vehicles were like 1990's. And they are all dying at once. It has been causing Corey so much stress that we decided a car payment was less stress. He's pretty excited about it. Although he DID NOT WANT white! But it is such a relief to him.
Sunday was a very great day as far as church goes.
In our church once a month we have testimony meeting where anyone is allowed to go up to the pulpit and bear testimony. Sometimes you just get that feeling and you KNOW you have to go up there. And Sunday that happened to me. Arg. It's nerve wracking.
I have been on such a journey the past year and a half. It has been such proof to me that God is there. I knew that he set the whole therapy thing up for me. I just know it. And sometimes I feel like if I don't share that journey the I am ungrateful.
In Sunday school I have started going to a Gospel Basic Doctrine class. It is taught by a religion professor. So needless to say it has been EXCELLENT.
Today we were reading scripture from Acts 17. We discussed verse 27.
"That they should seek the Lord if haply they might feel after him, and find him, though he be not far from every one of us:"
We discussed how He is not far from us. Ever.
But doesn't it feel like He is often far away? I think so. I spent years wondering why won't He help me??????????
But after the past year, now that I am through a lot of the hurt, I can SEE why he didn't "fix" it for me.
I have gained a lot of trust in Heavenly Father this past year and a half. I can look back and see the countless ways He had his hand in my life. But I thought I was ALL ALONE. But when I look back I can see the journey I have been on and the importance of it and the importance of His timing is all things.
And I can see that when I didn't even know I needed the help in the way I "thought" I needed it....I received it anyway. Without asking. He just knew what was best for me.
Some of those things are Kristopher being already set up for me to see, the 12 step program, the right books I read at the right exact time with the information that was covering the exact thing I needed help with, my job with a good men who have been a gentle support system to me.
So Sunday I bore testimony. That I knew God was helping me. That I didn't even know I was going to need this kind of help. That I have learned things that have blessed my life and changed my thinking immensely and I didn't even know how my life could be blessed and change. I dint know I needed this. I truly didn't even know half this stuff existed. I didn't KNOW therapy was really going to be so monumental and valuable and healing. I probable have made fun of people in therapy before. I do't know... maybe not. But I never knew it was so brain and soul altering. I am thankful Heavenly father knew it would be for me. And that He provided it for me.
One of the interesting things we learned in Sunday School was that Heavenly Father loves being a Father. And that the reason He doesn't appear to us is that because we might get discouraged (like Moses did) and feel like nothing compared to Him in His glorified state. Because we are in a fallen state right now.
I had never thought about that before. I raised my hand. "Wait, so do you mean that Heavenly Father loves us so much that He doesn't want us to feel bad that we aren't more like Him?"
And that was indeed the opinion of the teacher. I thought it was interesting. It is an act of Mercy from God to us that He doesn't show himself to us. It would make the gap seem too big between us and Him.
Later the teacher's wife gave me an example. She said that when her boy was little they were having him chop the fire wood. He spent a lot of time working on it but he wasn't able to get it done in time. So his dad cam along and hurried and chopped the rest of it and got the job done. It defeated the boy. All his hard work and his dad was just way awesome at chopping the fire wood when he was just barely getting it done. She said it is a fine balance for a father. To teach and lead. To let us struggle and learn. To not discourage us with their power.
Once when I was discouraged and I told Kristopher I wasn't coming back he told me it was my choice. and that he would NOT chase me. I knew that. He said, "do you know why I wont chase you?"
Me-"No. But I know you won't".
Him-"Because God doesn't chase us. And I am trying to be like Him. So why would I do something He doesn't do. It's about free agency."
I thought about that. God doesn't chase us. He waits for us to come to Him. Because it is our choice. But He is there waiting.
And I felt great peace in realizing that He is there waiting. And I am not being punished if I am not where I "should" be. That our progression and coming unto Him is a process. And if I am not there or where I "should" be that He isn't mad at me. That He is waiting. Waiting. And it is okay. And that He is understands where I am at. Because He knows it is my progression. And that there is time. Peace.
I also bore testimony of something else that I have learned. Sometimes in the LDS culture we put SO MUCH pressure on ourselves to be PERFECT. For our kids to be PERFECT. For us and them to never screw up.
I have learned through therapy and some other life teaching moments that is it okay to not be perfect and t is okay for them not to be perfect. That making mistakes is really how we learn.
I have learned that if we are BREAKING our backs trying to be perfect and BEATING ourselves up for not being perfect, then we are missing some joys in life and also that we are not understanding the Atonement.
If we are trying to do it ALL BY OURSELVES and be perfect every second then what in the world do we need a Savior for? And that seems like a slap in the Savior's face.
He died to make up the rest for us. We can work hard and do our best but PERFECTIONISM IS NOT REQUIRED. The Savior does what we cannot do. That is the purpose of the Atonement.
We can take our stress level down a bunch of notches because doing it all great is not required. What do you all think?
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