I cam home with some interesting new thoughts.
Sometimes in my life, and a few other girls in my old discontinued groups (still bitter, :) ) lives, the common theme was "I don't want to share my feelings or dwell on my problems because they are just not that bad compared to someone else's."
I can so relate. Aren't we just suppose to buck up and carry on?
That is the reason this is one of my most favorite things ever....
So after group I got to chatting with my friend. She has been working on her self for a very long time. She has given up her food addiction.
She always interests me because she says things like..."Why would I want a stupid brownie when I can have God?"
Someone from the addiction group had read that the reason people are turning to addictions is because they are searching for intimacy. That we want intimacy so badly we are going to try to find it somewhere. Food. Drugs. Whatever it may be.
I'll be honest. I do believe that is why I always say I couldn't have lost weight with out therapy. I really needed the connection Kristopher was offering me. Apparently in the hustle and bustle of life I just really needed one hour a week to be all about me. I needed someone to hear me. And I needed to be taught how to get some "power" back in my own life, and he did that.
So in my last session I had a pretty good melt down and was just so very stressed. I couldn't stop crying about school and feeling like I was abandoning my mothering post. I told Kristopher that this was so stupid to cry about especially when there are obviously bigger problems in the world then some old lady traumatized by speaking in class when. it. was. only. her second. day. and. she. was. in. 15th. grade (that will never not be funny). Get over it already, right?
He said to me "It doesn't matter. It matters that it is important in your day."
Maybe not everyone thinks that's beautiful. Maybe everyone doesn't need to hear those kinds of soothing words. But I do. And the empathy he offers me has become sacred to me.
And maybe other's think that is ridiculous. I might have at one point. But knowing how healing it has been for me? I will never underestimate the power of empathy again. Mourn with those who mourn.
So my friend who has God instead of Brownies, has spent a lot of time cultivating her relationship with God. And she feels like she has a personal relationship with him. And I believe her.
And Mormons believe that God is our literal Father. Our Father in Heaven.
So she tells Him about her problems. But there was one she felt too stupid talking about.
A lady in addiction group shared that often times when we pray it is like running around a race track. We never get to the middle of the track, which are our deepest thoughts. Feelings we should pour out to God, like Hannah in the Old Testament did. But instead of getting to the middle of the track we race around with "bless this day, help me to be safe, please help this food to nourish my body"
(seriously...HILARIOUS, right?)
etc. Important stuff but are we missing the meat of the prayer? I am. I do. ALL.THE.TIME. I am just racing around the track, checking it off my to do list.
My friend has lost 100 pounds. She bought herself a new dress that she just loved. But she felt so weird wearing it. It was form fitted and just not what she was use to wearing. She felt like she was "selling something" in her new dress. But she had loved it so much. And she bought it for "herself". Because she loved it. Not for anyone else. Not to "sell" anything. lol. :)
So the dress sat in her closet. She couldn't wear it. It started bugging her so much that she got to the point where she just wanted it gone. Out of her closet.
She was laying on her bed one day and she could see the dress in the closet. She was like "ugh!" What is up with this!
And she felt in her mind "why don't you ask Me about it". But she was so embarrassed to talk to Heavenly Father about it. Why does he care about her stupid problem with a stupid dress. But she usually talks to Him about everything so why not this?
So she did. She talked to Him about this. She told him she really wanted to wear this dress.
And I won't do justice to the words she told me. But she said that He "told" her that she was beautiful. And that He made her beautiful. And that He cared about the things that were important to her. Even a dress. And to wear the dress.
And she did. And she looked beautiful because I saw her in it. And she didn't look like she was selling anything. :)
The facilitator at the addiction group said food (addiction) is just a counterfeit for the true source of love and comfort. God.
I have no snazzy end to this blog. At this point I just have no answers or conclusion.
Even though I know all of this I still don't put forth the effort. I still don't trust it can be that way for me. I still want mouthful of brownies. I still want an hour with Kristopher once a week. Is it because it is easier? Is it because I don't know how God can love me and a trillion other people? I don't know. But if He really cares about my friend and her spotted dress, then He cares about me and that I caught a stupid cold this week? Or that I really needed to be heard? Or that school is a blessing for me even though I feel guilt? That I really am enjoying that creepy little tarantula?
I don't know. I think so. I think I have been being shown that.
I just feel right now for me it is line upon line, precept upon precept, one day, one lesson, one mistake, one intimate conversation, at a time. I believe I am being directed places. I feel like Heavenly Father is teaching me things all the time and I am getting there in His time and my time. And I think there was a purpose I gained so much fulfillment from a connection with some crazy therapist I never even knew of until last year. I think it was showing me what goodness is possible with God.
Is that crazy? Do you all think I am crazy now?
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