:(

Many of you know I graduated from Columbine High School. It was a nice school. I had nice teachers. I had nice friends. It was and still is I assume, a nice community.

After the shoot out I watched every ounce of media and read every article alive on the shooting. I longed with all my heart to be back with my community. To mourn with them. To be part of them again.

Some of my friend's siblings were in the school at the time of the shoot out. Some of my dad's scouts were involved. I had the business teacher who died. It was a very sad and confusing time. I was sad for my hometown. I was sad for the people involved. I thought a lot about my very favorite photography teacher and how it might have affected her and how she might have been traumatized during the shooting.

I worried if I was in a shooting would I do the right thing? Would  I stand up and protect those around me? Would I be brave? Would I keep my wits about me? Would  I hide little children in the cupboards and die for them? (That young girl is an angel. I am telling you from the bottom of my soul I know that is true.)

For months and months afterwards (because I am slightly filled with anxiety in general anyways) I was nervous in public. I remember being at the state fair and being concerned that anyone could start shooting at any time. I remember hearing a very loud noise and it it sent off some panic in my heart that it might be a shooting.

I felt true sorrow and compassion for the mother's of the shooters. What would be more painful then knowing your children had cause that much harm?

All these shootings that keep happening since then have been so sad as well. I keep wondering what is the solution and answer. How do we stop this from ever happening again. Enough is enough but what do we do about it?

The most recent shooting has been extraordinarily shocking and painful because those were babies that were shot. BABIES. I have a child one year older than those little kindergartners and I have a child one year younger than those kindergartners. They were just babies. So painful and tragic. These are the times when I am ready for Christ to come and take away the suffering. Normally I enjoy life and the journey we are on but when little babies die and noble educators die it just hurts so much. What do we do?

‎"To be disciples like Mary Magdalen is to show up. It is to be a people who stand – who stand at the cross and stand in the midst of evil and violence and even if we are uncertain we are still unafraid to be present to all of it. We are unafraid to name the dark demons of evil and to call a thing what it is. And to

be disciples like Mary Magdalen is also to be a people who weep. A people who show up to the tombs and weep. Weep for ourselves and weep for each other and weep for our city and weep for dead 6 year old girls. And to be disciples like Mary Magdalen is to be a people who listen and turn at the sound of our names. Amongst the sounds of sirens and fear and isolation and uncertainty and loss we hear a sound that muffles all the rest: that still, small voice of Christ speaking our names. And finally, the very reason we can do these things is not because we happen to be the people with the best set of skills for this work. Trust me, we are not. But the reason we can be disciples like Mary Magdalen – the reason we can stand and we can weep and we can listen is because finally we, like Mary are bearers of resurrection. We know that on the 3rd day he rose again. We do not need to be afraid. Because to sing to God amidst all of this is to defiantly proclaim like Mary Magdalen did to the apostles, that death is simply not the final word. To defiantly say that a light shines in the darkness and the darkness can not will not shall not overcome it. And so, evil be damned, because even as we go to the grave, still we make our song Alleluia. Alleluia. Alleluia."-Nadia Bolz-Weber

I am deeply saddened by the loss of life in Connecticut today. We all feel the devastating sadness for the families who's children were killed. These types of tragedies generate many questions but most of all feelings of disgust and RAGE. 
My kid's heard about this while they were at school today. They asked, "Why would anyone want to hurt so many people?" It is a difficult question to explain 

with any justification that makes sense. I asked my kids to be prayerful and mindful for the families who have lost loved ones. I told my kid's I love them and they can talk to me anytime about this or other problems in their lives. 

Remember, truly listen to your children. Make every attempt to understand what they are thinking, feeling and believing about their world. Most children, teens and adults do not believe anyone truly cares for them. They are emotionally starved for connection and love. Kids internalize (Emotionally Constipate) their feelings of loneliness, hurt, and sadness. The more they can express, the less they will react. Fewer will hurt themselves or hurt others. By understanding the pain of our children, we can create a fuller life for them and ourselves. -Kristopher Walton

twas' 11 days before Christmas, around 9:38
when 20 beautiful children stormed through heaven's gate.
their smiles were contagious, their laughter filled the ai

r.
they could hardly believe all the beauty they saw there.
they were filled with such joy, they didn't know what to say.
they remembered nothing of what had happened earlier that day.
"where are we?" asked a little girl, as quiet as a mouse.
"this is heaven." declared a small boy. "we're spending Christmas at God's house."
when what to their wondering eyes did appear,
but Jesus, their savior, the children gathered near.
He looked at them and smiled, and they smiled just the same.
then He opened His arms and He called them by name.
and in that moment was joy, that only heaven can bring
those children all flew into the arms of their King
and as they lingered in the warmth of His embrace,
one small girl turned and looked at Jesus' face.
and as if He could read all the questions she had
He gently whispered to her, "I'll take care of mom and dad."
then He looked down on earth, the world far below
He saw all of the hurt, the sorrow, and woe
then He closed His eyes and He outstretched His hand,
"Let My power and presence re-enter this land!"
"may this country be delivered from the hands of fools"
"I'm taking back my nation. I'm taking back my schools!"
then He and the children stood up without a sound.
"come now my children, let me show you around."
excitement filled the space, some skipped and some ran.
all displaying enthusiasm that only a small child can.
and i heard Him proclaim as He walked out of sight,
"in the midst of this darkness, I AM STILL THE LIGHT."

And here is a really sad and desperate article on mental illness by a mother scared of and for her own son.  

What do we do? How do we stop this from ever happening again?