Just some more therapy talk

I sure do a lot of therapy talk. It gets embarrassing because people will pass by me at church or elsewhere and I have to admit that yes, I am talking about Kristopher and therapy again. I just can't help it. It is on my mind a lot as I attempt to process the new things I am learning, my new assignments, and if what he suggests is the right path for me or not.  Because he is just a man and not a mind reader I have been wondering if this time we are on the right track. But I also trust him so much and the help and counsel he has given me thus far. Kristopher wants me to journal about some things from my past that I am just not sure are that important anymore. But he insists they are. I have been praying to know if that is right. Praying for help with the assignment. Confused at the assignment and how to get it done. Confused if it is as important as Kristopher thinks it is.

So I was discussing therapy and my assignments with a friend the other morning at the church Christmas party. I was talking it out trying to say I don't know if this was important to do or not.  But I also don't not know. And I also have a lot of strong clues that yes, this is the correct path. I just can't quite figure a lot of it out. I am working it out still.

Basically a lot of things that happen to you in the past have a lot of effect on who you are now or the needs you may have now. Lots of us have unmet childhood needs. And that is what I am trying to work through. And it is probably similar to what a lot of people are trying to work through. My story is nothing horrifying, so don't get too excited when you read this. It is just part of being a human bean on the earth I think. I believe my own children will also have unmet childhood needs. I think it is just part of it. I just think I am lucky enough to have the opportunity of therapy to work it out. I do not take that lightly, the gift of therapy. Which is why I keep sharing it. Because if there is anyone who can benefit from the gift I have been given I would really be happy. At this point, I feel like it is my obligation to share.

Anyways, my other friend was also listening to me blab about this said she was going to email me something that might apply to my struggles. And this is what it is. I found it so profound and beautiful that I needed to share it along with the explanation above.

My friend says...

"I cherish it and reread it often. This is a excerpt I found that perfectly explains what I have come to find for myself through the 12 steps concerning honesty in the book: Experiencing Christ - Your Personal Journey To The Savior by Randall J. Brown."

Pg. 66-68:  The experiential knowledge that my Savior is full of grace and truth became the way for my deliverance and my path to finally experiencing peace that passes all understanding. As my understanding of grace and truth deepened, I learned that my anxiety attacks were not triggered by traumatic memories or events, but by the false beliefs I assigned to them. The beliefs I assigned were lies that, "had such an astonishing influence over me as to bind my tongue." The lies could be anything from, "I'm shameful and I deserve to be punished." "I'm unworthy to be loved." The lies caused emotions that were so painful, I was not willing to face them or deal with them. As a defense mechanism against the pain, I either repressed the emotion, or I automatically began trying to escape it through compulsive behaviors.

The Lord helped me to understand that I must be willing to face the emotion head on, allowing myself not only to experience the emotion, but also the memory from which it originated. Then I could ask myself, "What is the lie I believe about this?" Once I had identified the lie, I could turn directly to the Savior by asking, "What is the truth thou wouldst have me know?" Then the Savior, who is full of grace and truth, would lead me in my minds eye to the garden of Gethsemane, Golgotha, the place of his scourging, or to the places of any of the things he bore for me, such as being spit upon, judged, or experiencing any of Satan's attempts to wound Him with shame.  I came to the realization that the Savior knew perfectly who he was.  He had no lies to wound or bind him, and none of Satan's attempts to inflict him with shaming lies could have any effect.  He was full of truth!

Then I would experience the Lord revealing truths to my mind, such as, "With my stripes, ye are healed."  Finally, although I could still recall the memory that was so troubling, the pain was no longer there, because my Savior, who is full of grace and truth, was now there, and the lie was dispelled.  I had complete peace in the memory, and that particular trigger was gone.  There was peace in Christ!  There was victory in Christ!

Learning to experience the peace our Savior offers is a process of learning to let our souls be still. As we quiet our hearts and minds, they become open and ready to experience the presence of our Savior.  In the stillness of our hearts, we will see the Lord ordering and providing in all the affairs of our lives.  Only then will we know by our own experience that he is leading our lives to a joyful end. The words of the hymn, "Be Still My Soul," help us understand our Savior's faithfulness as we journey along our thorny way.

Peace in Christ comes when what we have experienced in Christ matches what we know of him intellectually. We can hear someone say that Jesus Christ is the master healer, the master counselor, and the master comforter, but until we have experienced it personally, it is nothing more than intellectual knowledge.

When traumatic or tragic events occur in our lives, our brains search to find some meaning to make sense of the experiences. Everything we go through has meaning and purpose. If we love God and look to him, he will show us that our mortal experiences, combined with his grace, are molding us for divine nature. The only real tragedy in life is not letting our afflictions turn us to Christ.  Paul taught the Romans, "All things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28). 

Elder James E. Talmage wrote, "No pang that is suffered by man or woman upon the earth will be without it's compensating effect....if it be met with patience."  

It is not the trials and the tragedies of mortality that wound the soul.  It is the meaning we assign to our sufferings that does the damage. It is Satan's desire as the Father of Lies, to deceive us about the purposes of our mortal afflictions. As we strive to find the meaning in our suffering, he steps in and attempts to wound us with lies. It is these lies that keep us from turning to Christ and experiencing his purpose in our trials.  Shame is the greatest lie we can attach to our wounds because shame causes us to hide from the Savior.  No person is capable of healing spiritual wounds infected with Satan's lies. This is what binds the victim of abuse to a life of toxic shame.  This is what ensnares victims of cruelty to a life of emotional self-abuse and possibly perpetuating their abuse upon others.  These are the lies Satan uses to lure wounded souls into the bondage of addictions, compulsions, and other self-destructive patterns, with the false hope of emotional relief.  Any efforts to find real peace in and of ourselves will never bear fruit unless combined with the Savior's touch.  Through the power of the Spirit and personal revelation, we can receive Christ's healing truths in our hearts. Soul-deep healing comes only from spiritual contact with Jesus Christ.  Each of us can turn to Christ and experience his peace as he shines the healing light upon our lies.  When Christ gives us his words through personal revelation, we experience what Paul described as being, "transformed by the renewing of our minds (Romans 12:2).  We will know that he has spoken to our hearts and minds, and we will experience his peace through the opening of our spiritual eyes.  There is no other way." End of the book quote....

My friend added, "Isn't that so awesome!  I would only add that it takes practice to refute the lies and hear the spirit speak the real truth.  I work at it daily."

Do you think that is so beautiful? Don't you think it can pertain to all of us?

And then my friends also said to refer to the "LDS family Services Addiction and Recovery Program" book chapter 4. Chapter 4 is about Truth. And taking an inventory of your life. I thought...Hmmm. Twice in one day. Really good information about inventorying your life and staying free from addiction.

Sometimes I also wonder...was I addicted? Does food addiction count? (YES!) Or does food just taste good? (Uh...YES) I am doing pretty well now, is it possible that I just over ate and wasn't addicted?

 But then I remember the countless times when I had to have that food. When I thought nonstop about the next treat even though I just had a treat. When I felt physical relief from stress when I ate. When I couldn't wait to relax and eat. When I thought about sugar non stop.

And I also remember that number on the scale. I am not sure you get to that number just because food tastes good.

I don't have all the answers.I don't have ANY answers. I don't even know if I am doing ANY of this right. I hope I am not being hypocritical by posting all this therapy talk  like I have it figured all out and am doing everything just right. (Last session Kristopher told me I was only doing fair in therapy. FAIR????? WHAT???? I thought I was doing GREAT! I'm telling you, he's serious about helping me. He's not going to sugar coat anything for me. But he is also gentle.) But I know I am headed in a direction that feels like more inward freedom and peace. So I am going to just continue on and see where it leads me. Plus I can never deny that God put Kristopher here for me in the first place. So I will keep working on my assignments. And I will keep assuming that when I hear twice in one day, very good information about the assignment Kristopher gave me that I have been sceptical of, that it is Heavenly Father, once again, leading me. I don't know what else to think about it.

So the second good information I read that pertained to my assignment is from the "LDS Family Services Addiction and Recovery Program" book:


"How to do an inventory
Once we had admitted the need for step 4, the next questions became, “But just how do I do an inventory? What tools will I need?” An inventory is a very personal process, and there is no single right way to do it. You can consult with others who have already done an inventory and seek the Lord’s guidance in doing your own. He will help you be truthful and loving as you sort through your memories and feelings.

One way to do an inventory is to list memories of people; institutions or organizations; principles, ideas, or beliefs; and events, situations, or circumstances that trigger positive and negative feelings (including sadness, regret, anger, resentment, fear, bitterness). Some items on the list may appear multiple times. That is okay. Do not try to sort or judge or analyze at this point. For now, the most important thing is to be as thorough as possible.

As you do your inventory, look beyond your past behaviors and examine the thoughts, feelings, and beliefs that led to your behavior. Your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs are actually the roots of your addictive behaviors. Unless you examine all your tendencies toward fear, pride, resentment, anger, self-will, and self-pity, your abstinence will be shaky at best. You will continue with your original addiction or switch to another one. Your addiction is a symptom of other “causes and conditions” (Alcoholics Anonymous [2001], 64).

Some people group their lives according to age, grades in school, places lived, or relationships. Others
start simply by brainstorming. You will probably not remember everything all at once. Continue to be prayerful and allow the Lord to bring things to your remembrance. Leave this process open-ended, and add
to your inventory as your memories come.

Once you have finished your list, seek the Lord’s guidance in learning from each memory.

Freeing yourself from the past
Some people are concerned about looking into the past for fear of inadvertently creating false memories from vague or exaggerated impressions. In doing your inventory, consider only those memories that are plain enough to be addressed and sorted through. Here again, trusting God is the answer. If you conduct your inventory with sincere prayer, with real intent, having faith in Christ, you can trust Him to bring those things to your remembrance that will help in your recovery.

One glorious result of completing step 4 is that you take a major step toward freeing yourself from behaviors that defined your past. The reflection of yourself that you will see as you complete this step can inspire
you to change the direction of your life if you will let it. Because of the love and grace of the Savior, you do
not have to be what you have been. By calling on the Lord for guidance as you examine your life, you will
come to recognize your experiences as learning opportunities. You will find that uncovering weaknesses you have suffered with for so long will allow you to move forward to a new life.

Make an accounting of your life, past and present
Completing an inventory will take time. There is no need to rush through it, but you need to get started. Where you begin is not as important as eventually examining your past as far as your memory and the Lord’s inspiration will take you. Just write as memories come into your mind. What you write is private, and you will share it only with a trusted support person you will prayerfully select when you take step 5. Your inventory is about you and your relationship with yourself, with God, and with others. As you gather courage to see yourself as you really are, God will open your eyes, and you will begin to see yourself as He sees you—as one of His children with a divine birthright. Take this step, and keep your eyes on that birthright.

Remember your sins no more 
After you have completed your written inventory and when the time is right, those portions that include negative or angry expressions, accounts of personal transgressions, and any other sensitive matters that should not be shared with others or passed down to future generations should be destroyed. The destruction of these writings can be a symbol of your repentance and a powerful way to let go. The Lord promised Jeremiah concerning His people, “I will forgive their iniquity, and I will remember their sin no more” (Jeremiah 31:34). We should follow the Lord’s example in forgiving our own sins and the sins of others."

The LDS Family Services Addiction and Recovery Program is so full of truth that I can barely stand it. When I first went to therapy, Kristopher sent me to some of the addiction group meeting. I was in pain and desperate and I was going to do what ever it was he said. Because I needed relief. Because I needed guidance. Because I needed support. because I was going to do anything he told me because I had no more answers for myself.

But my friends and I were like.."what the what does he want me to go there for!!!!!??? Like for realsssss...What the whaaatttttt!!!!!????????"

I soon learned why. Some reasons which I won't share, and on top of that....There is maybe only one other place on planet earth that the Spirit is as strong as it is in those meetings. I received GREAT comfort and peace in those meetings. I received truth and quiet, lovely answers to problems from going to those meetings. Going to those first few meetings were maybe the most spiritual and peaceful moments of my life even amidst my deep personal sadness and hurts. Kristopher told me that the spirit goes where hearts are changing. Wow. What truth. What blessings. I have been so guided and so blessed and so led. I pray that that can continue.

I pray that I never share too much. I pray that all my sharing is done in a righteous desire to give to others and ease their troubles the way mine have been eased.