I am so sorry that you often ask me to play toys with you and I don't want to. I hope you will forgive me. It is just not something I enjoy. With the older girls I would occasionally play but I just don't like it. Your grandma told me once, "I never played with my kids. That's why I gave them siblings!" I have to sort of agree. You like to be entertained A LOT. You DO NOT play by yourself. So I hope you don't feel neglected the times I say I don't want to play. I would much rather read to you. I seriously love you though. For reals.
But for the record....I don't always say no. Here we are playing Barbies. They were swimming and wrapped up in towels.
We were making them dive off my head board
See? Wasn't that so much fun?
Yeah. :)
Your poor nose! Somehow Rhett and Kassidy were fighting and you were on Rhett's back and he biffed your nose into the couch. It was puffy for a while too! Poor sweetie!
So.... Today was therapy day.
I am so grateful Heavenly Father led me here.
I am doing pretty well in general. I think I am learning SO SO much. And I am coming to many conclusions that are healing to me. I am learning to change my thinking so I am not a "victim".
Such as today I told Kristopher I felt jipped about something in my life that isn't the way I want it. He said saying that makes it seem like the world has stolen something from me when that is just not the case in this situation. He says to me "Why do you say it like that when you know it puts you as a victim?"
For the record...Kristopher has called me a victim more than once. He is constantly pulling me out of trying to feel sorry for myself or calling me out when I say things that put me in a victim position.
So when he says "why do you say it like that?".... I have to remind him that this is all a new way of thinking to me and I need reminders to not go there. So he reminds me. And I remind him. That we all don't just naturally think this way. Or maybe you do? and it is just me. :)
Today Kristopher challenged me to face the giant in my life. He wanted me to commit to facing it.
We discussed how it would not kill me to face this giant. I told him I felt like it would. He said "I can tell by looking at you that you believe that."
I told him I didn't want to commit to facing this giant because then if I didn't do it I would be breaking my word. He told me it would be a missed opportunity if I didn't do it. And he promised how good for my brain it would be. And that he believed in me and that I was strong enough to do it.
*sigh* I don't know. It's too too scary for me.
He commented this session that I was trying really hard not to cry. I had to tell him that I didn't want to cry because I had ugly cry face. And I didn't want to spend the session behind my hands because I missed half the session that way. But I didn't want him to see my ugly cry.
Fo reals already. I don't let ANYONE see my ugly cry face. Not as long as I have two working hands!
He gets this brow furrowed confused look and I know I am in for it. Whenever he does that I know exactly what he is going to say..."When you say these kinds of things I just don't understand."
And then I think..... "How do you not understand, guy?"
He said "I am not looking at your shell. I am looking at your soul."
I know it sounds like some sort of "line" from Kristopher. But I know it is true about him because I know I felt the same from him when I was 80 pounds heavier as I do now.
And he flashed back to college and told me he was with some friends and they went to look at some cadavers for a class. He said the cadavers had no skin. And you couldn't see if the people were Black or Chinese or White or anything about them. And somehow at that time it really hit him that bodies are just the shell of people.
Of course we already know that.
But it made me think I should work on that more. Really viewing people as a soul. Like consciously thinking about them being a soul and not judging or noticing their shell whatsoever.
Hey! I forgot to mention that there are parts of my job that I really like. One of them is the air conditioner. And another is my co worker, Gus. We don't actually work a lot together but when we do, he is fun. I like that he and I can sit there and pig out on taco Tuesday tacos that I convinced him to get us and not even care if we are talking with our mouths full. Having tacos shoved in your face and not even caring is a sign of a true friend.
He brought me a copy of the old Broadway Les Miserable when he found out that I loved the new one so much. I love it tons as well.
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