Loveins!

It hurts my soul to be working. I worked 10 hours Friday and 10 hours Saturday. That was the reason I took this specific job  because I wanted to get it all over with in two day. My schedule isn't usually that long, but this week it was. Being gone a bit has been enormously healthy to my mental health. The two guys I work with have taken me in as a friend. They give me a nice mix of respect, "love", and just enough tease to make it a comfortable place for me to be. I really love them and the whole atmosphere of my low key job. 

At the same time, I am not use to working and I have been annoyed at the interruption on my life. That is probably normal. 

And I also have guilt over not being available mentally and physically as much as I was to the older kids. 

I feel guilty for "burning" out. I feel like I should have been stronger and managed all these kids better. I should have done better at chore charts and jobs and on and on. 

But... I burned out. I did. My brain is tried. My patience is shot. To my defense...I have had more than one person, professionals even, who have seen my life, agree that my load is a lot, and they can see why I burned out.

 My friend often jokes when her kids complain, "It'll give you something to talk to your therapist about". That joke actually gives me peace. It gives me permission to not be perfect.

I am grateful for my older kids who offer love and care also (along with fighting of course) to their little siblings. It is not perfect. But it is still a gift. They help me an enormous amount. Some people may criticize that the shouldn't have to be "raising" my children. But I don't feel guilt. I love that they are learning to love and to give and to nurture. That their teenage lives are not just about them. That they are important to two little people. That they matter and so does their behavior. I think everything they sacrifice to the little kids is returned to them in tons and tons of love.

Kassidy even decided to buy Kate One Direction flip flops. She told me "I'll spit the price with you, just because I am tried of tying her shoes." Funny.

These pictures are old but here are some sweet ones of Kate and Nathan while camping. They love Nathan.

Applying a band-aid that he carried in his wallet. Boy scout!

Helping her across the creek

We found Kate "sleeping" like this. She was really awake. :) But Justine wasn't. When Justine was at girl's camp, Kassidy slept with Kate so she wouldn't be alone.

Kassidy didn't want to read Kate a kids book. SO Kate settled for listening to Kassdy read this novel. She crashed though.