parenting is hard. And lovely. And hard. And lovely.

Hi!

I am very happy just now because I Kassidy and I were discussing high school stuff and I mentioned I had graduated Columbine and I had one of the teachers who died in the shooting.

 She was all concerned and sad for me and said, "How do you feel about that?"

(I do feel sad about the teacher. He died a hero.)

It made my heart soar. That is a line I use on my kids all the time! (Even before I became all therapified.) I am happy she has picked that up from me. That she can learn to ask people how they feel.

Here are two parenting articles I read recently. 

Really good

and

Really good (read the writing below the picture)

When I read them they are really bitter sweet. So many ways I could have done better that I just can't get back now. So many ways I want to change and still have time to do so with many of my children. But it is so hard to make changes. 

I feel old and hypercritical offering anyone parenting advice. But if I had any to offer, in my most humblest offering, the one thing I am learning and have learned, is this....Most of the things we as parents get riled up about just don't matter that much.  And I think sometimes we ruin our relationship with our children over things that just really don't matter that much.

I was taught this a long time ago by a counselor we had. (My days in therapy began a long time ago! Lol.) I wanted Kassidy to brush her hair for school. SHE DIDN'T CARE!!!! The counselor told me for ONE WEEK not to make Kassidy do anything that wasn't essential to staying alive. I thought it was nuts. My friends thought it was nuts. 

Was she crazy?

I was the mother! 

It was my JOB to make her presentable and to teach her....STUFF!!!! All the STUFF she would need to know for a life time, it is my duty to teach her and I only have a short time and....P A N I C!!!!! 

I can not let my kid go to school with disheveled hair and underbrush teeth and without her math facts memorized...HEAVEN. FORBID!!!! 

But I did. For a week.

Because Jennifer the counselor said to.

And I follow rules. 

And that was her rule.

 Even though it was an insane rule to not make her do her homework or brush her hair or make her bed. Or memorize her math.

The reason Jennifer wanted me to do this was so that I could see the peace that would be in our home when I quit trying to FORCE this kid to do things. This kid believed in Heavenly Fathers plan. Trust you me! She wanted her FREE AGENCY!

Her fight for her own agency began at a VERY young age. She was so so so stubborn and she wanted to govern HERSELF by HERSELF! 

 And I...wanted her to do what I wanted her to do. Things that any kid "should" (Kristopher will slap me for saying that word) be doing.

 And we were in a massive power struggle. And she probably wasn't even ten yet. And thus far my mothering experience was often fairly miserable.

 Jennifer wanted me to experience a week without a power struggle. She told me that these things were NOT worth my relationship with Kassidy. 

And guess what? THEY WERE NOT! That guide still creates the basic foundation of my mothering.

I learned to just relax. I had no choice really. I wasn't going to risk my relationship with her any more trying to make her do stuff that wasn't essential to staying alive (the kid was running away!!!!!). And I loved that week of peace not making her do stuff.

And guess what? She goes to church on her own. And she brushes her teeth and hair. And she knows her times tables.And her room is the cleanest of all my kids.

 And she likes me. At this point I would venture to say...a lot.

And so I have learned to just mother a lot less forceful I guess you could say. I am fairly relaxed and maybe that is to a fault. I don't know. Maybe what is working for me and these children wouldn't work for others.  People who know me may think I am a joke and that I just don't care. I care. I do. But it is a lot of work to force my will on all these kids. And I am not sure that is really the plan anyway. 

So I guess my advice is to relax. They will turn out fine. Or they won't. But you don't have all the control over that you think you do anyways. They make their choices. And they make smarter ones if they are allowed to make them. If you are forcing them to to do everything "right" does it really mean that much anyway?

 And your relationship being intact is really the most important thing.

Kristopher and I talked once. Ha ha. Once a week for a year. That was funny.

 Okay..we talked once about how there comes a time in life when everyone must reconcile their childhood. And sometimes (He said) you might want to talk to your parents about some grievances you had. I didn't like that idea. I said parents are just doing the best they can. He said he understands that and it is not about being mad at them. 

I said "So whats going to happen when you are an old man and your kids want to talk to you about all the things you did wrong?"

He said humbly, "Then I will apologize". 

The manner in which he said that was so soft and kind. And so "cycle of lifeish". I don't even know how to explain it. But he was just so matter of fact and quiet (remember I like quiet people)... 

"I will apologize."

Not..."I will be super mad that they would dare approach me." or "stupid brats, I have worked my whole life to raise them and this is what i get!" or "I don't deserve this crap!" 

but.... a humble...."I will apologize." 

And as that has sat in my mind I have realized I hope my children will come and talk to me someday about things I have done wrong or their childhood hurts.

I want that chance. I want that chance to apologize. I want the chance to reconcile their hurts. Because I am not doing it perfect. And I want a chance to love on them and receive their forgiveness. I think it is for me as much as it is for them. Which is now what I am realizing Kristopher has been trying to teach me.

Okay..sorry for that whole tangent. 

I forgot to include this picture from the all nighter. Kassidy and her teacher getting ready to go watch a movie. I want to cry for her in happiness. In what real world do you get to walk wrapped in a snuggie with your teacher to the all night movie. What a lucky girl. Thank you Mrs. T. 

Okay.....well I had a whole different blog I was going to blog about but this all came out and now I am done. So see ya!