Keep fighting. For God.

Hi.

Well...

I really hesitate whether this is something I should/want to share on my blog.

I do so in an effort to give the support and maybe guidance to someone else that might not have the same access to help I have been receiving.

Yesterday was Kristopher.

I told him I had been struggling. With the same thing I have been struggling with since therapy began. Not just food addiction. But food addiction has been my coping mechanism. Some people think I am in weight loss therapy. I'm not. Although trying to be free from addiction of any sort is the goal in Kristopher's therapy.

I mentioned this before but he has a grody IV pole in his office representing addiction. How people are numbing themselves from feeling, through addiction.

SO the beautiful thing for me that has come from therapy is, I didn't need food as much as I have gotten healthier and had an outlet and finally had some answers to my struggles. And so I have shed weight.

But it is often hard still. I was watching a show the other day with this guy...

and Barbara Walter. Whom I just don't enjoy. I feel mean saying that but I just don't. 

But I really loved the realness of this video. I loved his emotion. I actually transcribed it when I heard the interview because I thought I might find motivation in his "But I fight" comment. 

I need to start fighting again. I think I am sabotaging myself with "I can't do it" thoughts. What in the world,because I have been doing it for a year! Why am I thinking I can't?

Barbara asks him if he is still tempted by alcohol everyday. 

He says "We all are! It's all around us."

And he gets choked up

"But I fight"

and he cries.

And I was fairly moved by the sweetness and sadness of it all. 

Sad that addiction is so so consuming. Even seven years later. 

Sad that I too think this is a battle that I will be fighting for a very long time.

And sad and confused a bit. I have a friend who believes her addiction was taken away from her through the Atonement. And I believe it was for her as well. I really really do.

So I am sad that this guy is still dealing with his addiction when it can be taken away by the Atonement. And I am confused if it is really that simple. Is it really that simple? I believe it can be. I do.

But is it that simple for me? And if it is, why aren't I applying it? How do I apply it?

 For some reason I don't want to let my addiction go. I don't know how to explain it. Somehow I "deserve" to have to be plagued by it. Somehow I "deserve" to have this struggle. What. is. that. about.

Yesterday Kristopher said to me "So what I hear you saying, is that you are a Sunday Mormon. "

When I told my SIL that she was all offended for me by it.

I wasn't offended by it.

I think I qualify as more than a Sunday Mormon because I have busted my butt to be a good member of the church and to do whatever Heavenly Father would want. To always try my very best.

But what Kristopher meant was...

I haven't developed a relationship with Jesus or God. I do all the "right" things but I have not really done all the things I need to do to commit myself to a relationship with God.

Truth?....I doubt it will work. I think for some complicated reason or lesson I must need to learn, I am exempt from a real relationship with Him. or Them. A relationship where I KNOW it is THEM and not just my crazy run ram-pet OCD thoughts.

For some reason I think it isn't possible for me.

I always say I am going to and I make plans (remember my sacred grove time?) but I don't follow through. I don't stay committed. I have tried in the past and when it didn't happen right away I gave up. I became cynical when I struggled for what I felt was too long.

I must not like to do hard things. I must not stick with things. How do I change that? Is it as simple as saying I am just going to do it this time? I am just going to stick with it this time?

I love Kristopher because he will talk God to me. He BELIEVES. I think he KNOWS. I love it. I need to talk to him about it. Without it the help he is giving me wouldn't be near as valid to me. I have a friend who sees him who says they never talk religion. I don't know why he talks about it with me. But it is paramount to me that he does. Does he know I need it?

Here is the secret that I am ashamed to share. Something I said during therapy.

Kristopher said something to me about about God. And I said "Is there a God?"

It hurt to say it. 

It felt wrong.

It felt blasphemous.

It was blasphemous.

It felt like a slap in God's face for all he has given my by helping me find therapy.

But I said it.

And I didn't take it back.

Because it was a cry for help.

It was a cry for Kristopher to tell me how to find God. 

How do I find him?

What do I have to do?

Where is He?

Kristopher gave me some suggestions about religion.

I told him that was not what I needed. I just needed to find God.

Kristopher asked my what I had been doing to find him? 

I told him nothing. I have sort of given up.

Then he said I was a Sunday Mormon.

Not in a mean way. He is gentle and kind to me. (You know...when he is not confronting me like the stinker poo he can be sometimes.)

I had to shake my head that yeah, I think I basically was.

He told me to pray. And he told me I needed to study about who God and Jesus were. The people they are/were.  Get to know about Them. Their lives.

He told me to read Jesus the Christ.

And he laughed and said "that ought to keep you busy".  And I think he was all proud of himself.

You see, I am not sure he has had someone read as many books as me. Maybe that is arrogant of me to say and he has. But I don't think so. :) I am a very good pupil.

I harassed Kristopher every time I needed a new book suggestion until one day he was out of them for me. I gave him a few weeks and harassed him again and then he thought of more. 

So now with this 700 page book, he thinks he is off the hook for book recommendations for a while.

He also told me that he prayed that the clients who need him could find him because of the tools he knows. And so he knew that God had put me there. 

And I know it as well. That is why I didn't mean it when I said is there a God. I know God intervened in my behalf a year ago. I know it. And I know of other times He has as well. 

I just want to not feel so very far away from wherever in the world He is.

But I know that is my fault. Because I know I haven't committed to the work it takes. Why don't I commit to the work? Maybe I haven't been broken enough. Maybe I am lazy. Maybe I am doubtful. Maybe I am super busy. Maybe I am cynical. Maybe I don't know the beauty of the results.

I don't know. I just don't want to go on any longer with out KNOWING. I want to KNOW. I want to feel Him. I want connection to Him.

How do I get there? Will He care back? Am I important enough? Out of all the trillions of people do I matter enough? I must, because He led me to all these wonderful lesson. How do I know if it is Him or my own crazy thoughts which confuse me so very often.

I know of people who feel the attachment I feel with Kristopher, in God. I want that. Ultimately that is part of what Kristopher has been teaching me through the safety of attachment.

But now I have to get there. I hope I can and I hope it is possible.

Kristopher told me in the tenderest way to not give up on it.

(I bought Jesus the Christ. If anyone wants to read it with me I am reading through chapter 8 by the end of this month. It would really be nice to have you do it with me.)

Do you judge me? Do you think I am terrible? Please don't judge me. Please love me and I will love you. Because we are all just trying to get "there".