Pass the baton

Wow. I had a pretty intense session with Kristopher.

Learning learning learning. He loved me today. He thinks I am doing so well. He was so pleased with how honest I was in group. He said I have made giant leaps.

I cried. If I do well then I am done with therapy. For any of you who follow me know that is hard for me. It sends me in a panic. If you have never had therapy or had a therapist that helped you the way mine has you may not understand. But moving on without him is a sad thought. But that is the point and it has to be.

When I started therapy about a year ago, I was one muddled massive mess of cloudiness and confusion. Kristopher unmuddled me. That is a very sacred thing to me.

Boundaries? What are those? No for reals.... I didn't know. And I had no natural formation of them in my personality. (Read the "Boundaries" series of books. I cannot say it enough. Read them. By Townsend and Cloud. The marriage one? Excellent.)

Codependency? I just wouldn't want to be mean right? I'll walk around feeling every one else's feelings so they don't have to suffer themselves. Which by the way...I have learned that if you do that you never help the other person grow up. You are not doing them any favors by saving them from consequences. Including feelings. It is important for people to feel their own feelings.

Kristopher said I am becoming more clear. And I can tell that is true. He says I am growing up. And even thought that is slightly insulting I know that it is true as well.

He is happy because once where I would believe anything he told me, I now listen to his opinion and think about it and decide for myself. Like a grown up. :)

He said when you have clarity within yourself you can have the Spirit with you in whatever situation you're surrounded in. He said the best feeling ever is when you have yourself and you don't need anyone else to "fill"you up.

He said he believes in giving his clients attachment and connection so they can go out in the world and learn how to find that. And that is the baton he wants to pass on. So his clients will go out in the world and offer attachment and connection to others. 

I offered it to Rhett tonight. Although first I broke his heart. But that sometimes happens in parenting. And the important thing is to be sensitive to their feelings even when you screw up. 

That was one of the huge things I learned at the Addiction Recovery seminar from a mom who raised several children who became drug addicts. She said mirror your children's (and others) feelings. She said feelings are not facts. But they are truth for the person who feels them. She said your children will learn if they don't get their feelings mirrored that it is not okay to feel their feelings. Mirroring their feelings is part of "mourning with those that mourn!". So interesting!

I use to do this with Kassidy when she was very naughty. Instead of being mad at her naughtiness I would say how hurt she must be and she would dissolve and want love.

Kristopher did this to me on one of my first appointments. I was crying behind my hands and he said "that is a lot of pain there" and I carried those words of understanding around in my heart for WEEKS. They rang in my head for WEEKS. They soothed my soul for WEEKS. Someone was mourning with me. It meant so much.

Tonight I hurt Rhett's feelings. It doesn't happen often and it broke my heart. There is just something about him that can really hurt you when he hurts  Justine notices it all the time if he ever cries. She always mentions how sad it makes her to see him cry. We decided to take the top bunk (Bo's bed) off Justine's bed and put it in the boys room so Bo can be with the boys. Rhett loves tools and he is so helpful and he was the first to jump in and do all the work of taking apart the bunk bed. 

But he didn't keep track of the screws very well. I was grumpy and annoyed at the project and I mentioned a couple of times how irritating it was and how he should have paid attention. Then he got sad. 

I mean for reals, mom (that means me)! ...He didn't even have to help. It wasn't even his bed. And I was chastising him. So when he was sad I felt horrible and I apologized and told him I shouldn't have been upset when he was helping when he didn't even have to. He was still sad. So I told him I was going to pinch his arm every few seconds until he forgave me. He decided to wrap my arms around my head and tip me back in the chair. He almost killed me. But then it was all fun after that. I hope I undid the hurt I caused him. I hope he forgets that I was mad at him and just remembers that I cared about his hurts.

My boss offered me connection the other day. A customer was really mad at me and chewed me out. It wasn't my fault although I could have handled it better. She decided to complain about me. He told me that no matter what was said he was on my side. Love it.

Okay, I'm super tired. So sorry for the abrupt ending and the random post.