the 80's were awesome.

The other night for our church get together we had a exercise night and dress in 80's style  It was so relaxed and fun. I so love hanging with women.

I am pitifully 80's. I mostly just have a weird exercise out fit on. Lol. But what I was astounded by with these pictures is I am not atrociously bigger than the other girls. I am use to HATING pictures and always being the largest by a lot! It is so weird to be basically normal with the other girls.

I am so happy to be working and learning with my committee on trying to plan things for our church monthly meetings.

Speaking of friends....Kassidy has the sweetest friend in this girl. I was so happy for her to have a friend come and be excited over her prom dress. She helped her tie up the back to see if it was going to work, insisted that not being able to breathe was just the way it was, and practiced dancing with Kassidy to see if the jacket fit well enough for Kassidy to move around.

I have always like this girl since about a year ago when I gave her an assignment that I needed done for the Valentine's Day fundraiser and she helped me so sweetly and competently. See? Teenagers are not so bad!

I just freaked myself OUT!!!

Have we ever discussed that I am PARANOID of getting a disease and dying. SO SO Scared. I think that I read that that is an OCD symptom from the Brain Lock book. So one day my friend and I were talking. She has lost 100 pounds. She is a facilitator at the twelve step meetings. We were discussing about not recognizing our selves since we have lost weight  I catch myself looking at myself in the mirror A. LOT. Ummmm...Awkward. I think to myself ... "WOW!!!! Vane much?" Then I decided it wasn't about vanity. It was about...."Who is that?"

She told me that she found herself feeling her face a lot becasue there were bones she had never felt before.

I also read a funny thing on a weight loss blog about a lady who had her Dr. feel a bump she was worried about in her abdomen. It was her rib. LOL.

So one day I had a swollen lymph node. I FREAKED, certain I had cancer. The Dr. said no. And we agreed I should not Google "swollen bumps on face".

So just now I felt a weird bump on my face by my ear. And then I remembered my friend Janet feeling new bones after she lost weight  And I decided that I probably don't have cancer (again) and that is probably all it is. Phew.

So tonight I went to the church's addictive recovery program. (12 step program). There were over 20 people there. The program is growing and growing and talked about quite a bit right now. I am grateful to have been able to witness the healing and the specialness of it. I began crying tonight before the thing even got started. I am not sure why even. It is just such a safe place and a place full of such love and connection. But when it was my turn to share I couldn't even do it and they had to come back to me.

One huge reason the program is so special and successful, is it is for everyone. You learn that when you go. It isn't a place where they tell you what to eat to lose weight. Or how to protect your computer so you aren't tempted to look at porn.

Ultimately it is a program that teaches you to apply the Atonement. That is why it is for everyone and that is why it works. It's not really about porn, or drug, or food addiction  It is about Christ healing and saving you through the Atonement. Which I am STILL working on figuring out. I have prayed that I don't want my struggles to end until I have really gotten to where He wants me to be. Until I really have my relationship with Him completely solidified.

Can I share what my friend and I talked about later? What she is teaching her children? What she has experienced through her healing and hard work? (I am sure she won't mind.)

When we feel badly, what do we do....call a friend,go to lunch,  go shopping, eat 10 brownies (me...just last night). And often we teach the same to our children. And what really can happen is this...

We can hit our knees, journal our prayers and revelations, and He can make us feel better through the love and peace He can fill us with when..... He fills us. She told me this happens for her and she feels beautiful.

My friend said..."Why would I want a stupid old brownie when I can have that?"

When she can have HIM. I mentioned before what she does. But I want to share it again. It use to take her more time. But not now. She gets out her journal and prays and writes down what she thinks are the answers she is receiving. She said it use to take hours to get revelation. She said now that she has it figured out she can get access to Heavenly Father in 10 minutes.

I heard somewhere else once about journaling your prayers. I think that might be a good way for me.

Step 5 is about confession. When people ask how I am losing weight I say therapy. And people look funny at me. Tonight I read why therapy is helping me lose weight...

  "As we come to recovery meetings, we began to emerge from the emotional isolation in which addiction thrived."

That is what Kristopher did for me. He took away the place my addiction was thriving in. Making it possible for me to address it. Now I need to get to the step to ask Haevenly Father to just take it away from me completely. Why don't I do that? Seems like an easy fix right?

I am scared He will.

And then I am scared He won't.